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Cheese Wars, Episode III - Revenge of the Fish
- apologies to George Lucas
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| Matt Friedenberg - R2Cheesedoodle |
Three travesties of teenhood scurried out from behind the registration tent. Their motions were more
indicative of rodent than humankind, and there they stood, a little taller than the R2Cheesedoodle unit. When they saw that
the bustle of hundreds of wiffleballers had immobilized the red head, they put their illegally altered yellow bats down. Nevertheless,
they eyed the pale-skinned humanoid cautiously, with the trepidation of hereditary cowards.
Their t-shirts were wrinkled and covered with magic marker strikes. Unhealthy
dull pupils stared trancelike from the depths of their matching red caps as they studied their potential adversary. The
team from across the river conversed in low guttural croaks and scrambles analogs of human speech. If, as the KISS-FM
Iffleball judges hypothesized, they had ever been human, they had long since degenerated past anything resembling the human
race ... thanks to hours spent playing Dance Dance Revolution in the basement
Several more teenagers approached. Together, they succeeded in alternately
reading the back of the R2Cheesedoodle unit's shirt.
At the base of the shirt - under the word 'Cheesedoodle' - was a number.
Written enormously as it was so small in measure: 4 and 5/8ths. Several of the players pointed at the thin,freckle-laden R2Cheesedoodle
unit. They had heard of his potentially limitless range in the vast outfield areas. A few were locked in electronic conversation
using silver noise devices with some type of ring tone. Others muddled aimlessly about. But when the red-headed unit suddenly
scrambled onto field number five, one particular voice burst out in pleasure.
"R2Cheesedoodle - it's you!" called an excited One-Inchio from the near foul
line, with what were obviously newly acquired female twi-lek rings in both ears. They gave off a golden shine. He
made his way to the R2 unit and embraced it most unmethodically. Spotting the obvious number on the R2's back, One-Inchio
turned his gaze thoughtfully down to his own shirt, where a similar number had likewise been written: 3 and 4/29ths.
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| One-Inchio, the Jedi and R2Cheesedoodle observe the alien landscape before battle |
On mentioning this information to R2Cheesedoodle, One-Inchio looked about. For
his particular number of active unit measure, in spite of his taller physical height, was even less than R2's. And according
to the rune-like markings, both units had a capacity far less than the 5.75-6.00 typically accepted as
the norm for such devices. But most used landspeeder salesman inflate those numbers. Plus, both R2's and Inchio's
units were rumored by their master (a hutt named Webbporne) to be in working order, although neither had been used beyond
domestic auto-simulation.
Others around the two could hear them, but failed to fully comprehend the
significance of the largely writ, but strikingly small numbers. Although one particular adult in a billed Red Sox
skull cover did shake his shaggy head to and fro and remarked, "My 6-year-old hatchling already has that thrust
capacity. Quite tragic, really."
C2Cheesedoodle and One-Inchio did not feel embarrassed at
that information. It would matter little when they defeated the shaggy man and his well-equipped hatchlings on the grassy
fields of war. And, if they wished, they had the capacity to employ a randomly variable language
that drives linguists mad. It's called: street. An example would be, "Sup bro ... hit me up on cellie, we'll hang".
Most of those who study the language of street would translate that statement in the following way: Hello. We share the
same parents. I want you to strike me in the head with my communications device, and once I am beaten to an unconscious state,
I want you to hang my limp body from a tree limb. This then would allow them to poke fun at the shaggy man's nose
- which seemed to have it's own intact biosphere that was now offering mucous-laden fronds of hair to all - without
his knowledge. A small but meaningful victory.
Massive amounts of people started to move. With a groaning and grinding, the
monster that was the KISS-FM iffleball Tournament was about to begin. And only an older fellow - possibly a jedi - with
the number 6.99999 writ large across his vestments seemed to grasp at the meaning of it all.
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Click on Year to View History
In Major League Baseball: The Chicago White Sox defeated the Houston Astros
The Third Episode of the Star Wars saga - Revenge of the Sith - featured the creation
of Darth Vader. Universally viewed as the best of the last trio of George Lucas Star Wars series, it featured the story of
Anakin Skywalker. And like Matt Friedenberg in 2005, the character, the actor and the film all soared to great heights. God,
was that pathetic writing! I'd definitely fail the English Regents.
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